Hey, she could have said ‘Schlong’

We’ve been getting The Girl ready for what it’s going to be like when her baby brother, arrives next month. Since we’re having a homebirth we’ve been telling her how mommy is going to be yelling and crying and making grunting noises, but that she’ll be okay because it just means she’s pushing the baby out of her belly. Beyond that, we’re preparing her for what it’s going to be like with a new baby in the house, mainly the idea that he’s going to cry a lot and mommy is going to be giving him milk to make him feel better.

The one last thing we’ve been preparing her for is how the baby is going to look different than she does, because he’s a boy and she’s a girl. So we tell her, “You have a tushy, but your baby brother is going to have a penis.” (I don’t know why we euphemized the girl parts and not the boy parts. “Penis” is just a cuter word than “vagina” I guess.) So she’s gotten really good at understanding the differences between boys and girls—since mommy is a girl, she has a tushy, but daddy and her brother have a penis.

Well it was bound to happen eventually. I was at the playground with The Girl a few days ago. She was on the swings when this older boy came over to give her a push. Pretty soon they were playing and talking and The Girl told her new friend that she had a baby brother coming. The boy brought Our Girl over to see his own baby sister who was sitting in a stroller. His mom was there and heard all about how Our Girl has a baby brother coming. The mom and I… I’m sorry, let me clarify… the very hot mom and I started talking about all the stupid random things parents talk about, laughing and joking and whatnot while The Girl and her son ran around playing together.

Well at one point they came back again to look at the baby when The Girl says, “That’s your brother.” I corrected her, telling her that that was the other boy’s sister. I then made the mistake of adding on, “But our baby is going to be your brother because he’s a boy.”

Do you already know where I’m going with this? The Girl, well coached by this point, looked up at the mom (don’t forget, she was quite hot) and told her, “My brother has a penis and daddy has a penis.”

The hot mom nodded her head and said the only thing a hot mom can say after receiving such information, “Um… oh… well… good…”

I think I handled myself rather well though. Rather than get embarrassed, or scold The Girl for something that we’ve been putting into her head for months, I looked the hot mom dead in the eye, and with no sense of irony whatsoever, said, “Yeah, you know, important information to have.”

Important information to have??? I’ve had several days to think over that response, and as dumb as it sounded I have not been able to think of a better one—one that wouldn’t make me come off as some kind of weird incestual pedophile. Deadpan acknowledgement (of the fact that we were passing along ‘important information’, not acknowledgement that I’m a weird incestual pedophile) was the best I could come up with. But you want to know what I’ve really been thinking about? Had I been a single dad (or a scumbag husband for that matter) and she had been a single mom (a single hot mom, let’s not forget), I think I could have used that embarrassing little exchange as an icebreaker to try and, as they say, hit that. I really think it would have worked. And if I ever find myself in a position where I’m actually using my kid to pick up chicks, I am going to make sure they mention tushies and penises in conversation. Mind you, I have always been a total dork when it comes to picking up women, so I’m not even sure what line could have even followed that tour de force “important information” opener. But hey, at least I’d have had a foothold.

Am I right ladies? Yeah you know it.